Toad lilies, goat farms, and branding

Our dear Dr. Faust has suffered a set-back. Nothing major or serious, but truly a disappointment for her. She has had to abandon her dream of having a model goat farm at Elmwood. Even with me helping as project manager, running a dairy large enough to supply cheese for the dining hall would be too much of a distraction from her day job, especially now that the financial community is belly up in a ditch and even the World's Richest University has to sit very very still and take deep cleansing breaths.

So Drew has scaled back, for now anyway. She thinks of her goats more as pets than a demonstration of the Sustainable University. Sure we'll make a little cheese, but it'll just be for friends and family, and maybe we'll have a tasting as a fund-raiser for the Mathew Brady Memorial Darkroom.

The old 4-H-er has to get her hands dirty, so she's started a shade garden in a lovely spot at Elmwood. Her biggest delight now is tending a collection of toad lilies that surprised us by blooming a few weeks ago. We moved two plastic chairs to a spot of grass near the new flower bed and fell into what could pass for political discourse, or maybe not.

Miss Grimke: Do you consider yourself a maverick?

DGF: Perhaps. But a maverick is someone or something that has been not been branded. I'm afraid I've been branded.

Miss Grime: Branded what?

DGF: Feminist, for one thing. When I get depressed all I have to do is remember how the old boy Civil War historians got their boxers in knots over Mothers of Invention.

Miss Grimke: That cheers me up, too!

DGF: Here's what I don't understand, and I'm a highly educated individual. How can you be a maverick if you brand yourself a maverick and a maverick is unbranded?

Miss Grimke: Greater minds than ours will have to answer that question, Dr. Faust.

Time for a change, Drew!

Miss Grimke: I know what you should wear besides the suit suit suit.

DGF: Really. What.

Miss Grimke: One of those lace dresses Miuccia Prada has dreamed up. There are some very very serious dresses in that collection. In particular, a cream one with long sleeves and a turtle neck. It is very you.

DGF: How can lace ever be me?

Miss Grimke: Signora Prada, even though she is Italian and I have no idea how to pronounce her name, she knows what a serious Southern lady should wear. You should wear this.

DGF: How much does it cost?

Miss Grimke: Thousand of dollars I am sure but what's that compared with the cost of a class at the World's Greatest University? It is a serious dress!

DGF: Can a dress ever be serious?

Miss Grimke: On you, a dress would always be serious.

DGF: So I should rather buy a serious dress than bankroll a Boston public school kid who wants to take macroenomics at Harvard?

Miss Grimke: You have to wear something! You can't spend you life in those suits!

DGF: Watch me.

Beauty tips

Miss Grimke: Do you think the North is as racist as the South now?

DGF: I think the battle against racism requires constant vigilance, no matter who you are or where you are.

Miss Grimke: Can you think of a beauty routine that's like that?

DGF: I think that question trivializes a serious subject.

Miss Grimke: Well, I'm not so persnickety, and I can answer my own question.

DGF: Do tell.

Miss Grimke: I think the upkeep of the elbow is like that. You can't see your own elbows, but everybody else can. Nothing can ruin the look of a pretty summer dress from behind like the sight of gray scaly elbows. Keeping them looking pretty requires constant vigilance.

DGF: What do you do to keep your elbows looking pretty, Miss Grimke?

Miss Grimke: I cut a lemon in half and mash the pulp side onto my elbow and turn it a few times, like I'm making lemonade. It's a gentle bleaching and exfoliation. Then rinse and apply lotion. Repeat as necessary. Check my elbows in a mirror frequently.

DGF: I really don't think I'll go to all that trouble.

Miss Grimke: Why on earth not.

DGF: I don't care how my elbows look because I don't go sleeveless even in the shower anymore.

Miss Grimke: Someone famous said that.

DGF: I'm famous.

Miss Grimke: But not for saying that.

DGF: Yet.

What we did this summer

I know I know I know I have been neglecting Drew's fan base terribly, but I'm sure you will all forgive me when you hear what I've been doing--Drew made me project manager for the goat farm! I have been learning a lot, and Drew has been re-learning a lot. For example, "breeding pairs" is a bad idea. Goats are creatures of instinct, not romance. And they have a herd mentality: only one guy gets all the girls. She even had the names all picked out: Sissela and Derek; Geraldine and Tony. We kept Sissela and Derek, for obvious reasons. But Derek has to live apart from the does except for during those special times in the moon phase.
What about Tony? Here's where it gets complicated. Bucks get terribly lonely, but they can't live with other bucks. Housework would never get done! Sorry, my bad. They would fight. The solution is a wether. We couldn't name the wether Tony and Drew wouldn't let me name him Larry, so we just call him Sweetie Pie.

Sidestepping Death

Miss Grimke: I can't read your book before I go to bed. Last night I dreamed my yard was full of corpses. I couldn't walk out the front door without stepping over a dead body.

DGF: You must have lived in Gettysburg in a prior life.

Miss Grimke: Why did you write that book?

DGF: All I ever really want to do is figure things out.

Miss Grimke: That, and run things.

DGF: Well yes.

Miss Grimke: I guess if you could write I can at least read it.

DGF: During the day, by a window where you can hear birds singing and children at play.

Pride Week debrief

Miss Grimke: So what did you wear?
DGF: My gown over my qipoa, as I do whenever I want to look and feel special.
Miss Grimke: Ha. I bet you wore that navy pantsuit.
DGF: If you know all the answers why bother asking me questions?
Miss Grimke: Okay. I'll try some hard questions. Can a southern lady be gay?
DGF: Don't be silly. Of course she can.
Miss Grimke: Can a southern gentleman be gay?
DGF: Ditto.
Miss Grimke: Can a gay gentleman be a southern lady?
DGF: Some of the best southern ladies are gay gentlemen.
Miss Grimke: Can a gay lady be a southern gentleman?
DGF: I believe I have seen a few.
Miss Grimke: Why don't you wear your gown everywhere? It looks the best on you. I'd love to see you wafting back and forth across the Yard in it several times a day.
DGF: That would look pretty dumb.
Miss Grimke: Not really. It would upgrade the whole scene.
DGF: I'm afraid it wouldn't go over well with the powers that be.
Miss Grimke: Aren't you the powers that be?
DGF: You got me there.

Report card for a Southern Lady

The young ladies and gentlemen over at the Crimson graded Drew's freshman year. We don't know much about being president of the World's Greatest University, but we do know a lot about being a Southern Lady. Here is her report card, as graded by those of us who know what's really important.


Fashion: A minus
A lady should look pulled together without drawing undue attention to herself, unless she is Queen of May.

Sometimes it is the person being graded who does the teaching, and that is the case with Drew and Fashion. She gives us little to talk about, and for that we commend her. We would like to see more creativity around piping and lapels, perhaps a subtle tweed from time to time, and we'd love to see a punchy color in the shells she wears under the jackets. But absolutely don't stop with the pearls!

Decorating: B minus
The office says President--what more could we ask for? The Aeron chair, though, is so Route 128. We'd like to see something a little more donnish.

Cooking: C plus
Drew knows her strengths and looks for ways to transcend her weaknesses. Sometimes the middle of the road is exactly where you want to be.

Animal Husbandry: Incomplete
Drew is poised to do some of her best work in this arena.

Gardening: Pass
We congratulate Drew on not making a mess (yet) of converting Elmwood into a dairy farm.

Conclusion: We cannot say that Drew exceeded our expectations for the year, because, really, our expectations could not have been higher. We can say with confidence that she surprised us in many many wonderful ways, and although we have had a few eensy eensy differences, which is not to be unexpected between even the best of friends, in the final analysis we are thrilled thrilled thrilled and can't wait to see what's next!