Backfire

Spring has come to the calendar, but not to Elmwood. The trees are bare, and the backyard is soggy from heavy rains. Only two signs of our shade garden (aka le petit bois) have appeared: the leaves of the helleborus and what we hope is the cimicifuga but fear may be some noxious weed. The Harvard Hole haunts us, but we try to keep our conversation focused on other areas of concern.

Miss Grimke: If this so-called garden doesn't show signs of life soon, you should take your $50,000 and buy that double-barrel cannon from Athens. It would look good here.

DGF: I can't imagine that Athens would part with its cannon.

Miss Grimke: Obviously you have never tasted the desperation of poverty.

DGF: That's true, but I have a good imagination. And pride has been known to outweigh hunger.

Miss Grimke: You could just make an offer.

DGF: Perhaps I'm not interested in spending my $50,000 on bringing a cannon to Elmwood.

Miss Grimke: What if it has historical significance?

DGF: I'm sure it does, but heavy weaponry was not my field of study, only the outcome of its use.

Miss Grimke: Then you should know this! A brilliant southern gentleman, Mr. John Gilleland, invented the cannon to fire two cannonballs linked by a chain.

DGF: Indeed. Did it work?

Miss Grimke: It was spectacular! In the test firing one of the balls left the muzzle before the other and so they flew around wildly in big circles, plowing up an acre of ground, destroying a corn field, and mowing down some saplings before the chain broke.

DGF: That was spectacular.

Miss Grimke: But that's not all! After the chain broke the balls flew off in separate directions. One killed a cow. The other crashed into the chimney of a house. Mr. Gilleland declared the cannon an unqualified success.

DGF: Was it ever used in battle?

Miss Grimke: No. The powers that were did not agree that it was a success and refused to provide funds for further experiments.

DGF: You are not going to relate this to Allston are you.

Miss Grimke: No. But it does sort of remind me of Larry.

DGF: I sure do hope the toad lilies bloom again this fall.


The Fan Club plagiarized part of an account of the cannon by Richard E. Irby, Jr. for the purposes of this blog. The full account is here: http://ngeorgia.com/ang/Athen's_Double_Barrel_Cannon

Commentary on current events

Drew was fresh from her triumph at the New York Historical Society, accepting the $50,000 prize for Death Warmed Over, aka This Republic of Suffering, and feeling receptive to an interview on important current events.

Miss Grimke: So what do you think about the cardigans?

DGF: What cardigans?

Miss Grimke: Michelle's cardigans.

DGF: What about her cardigans?

Miss Grimke: Don't you think she's over-doing them?

DGF: Is it possible to over-do cardigans?

Miss Grimke: I certainly think so. The election night cardigan was edgy. The sparkly cardigan for meeting the Browns was acceptable if not brilliant. But a cardigan to meet the Queen? And that crazy cardigan she wore to the concert! Good grief! Enough is enough!

DGF: Cardigans travel really well.

Miss Grimke: What do you know about cardigans?

DGF: I went through a cardigan period.

Miss Grimke: I just bet you did.

In support of a return to the classics

Our very dear friend and treasured member of the Fan Club, Miss Talmadge, of the other Georgia Talmadges, has become engaged to marry the Maori fire dancer, a delightful gentleman she met on a recent trip to Hawaii. This news dovetails nicely with Drew's recent mandate to encourage her students to explore esoteric topics. Also we all recall Dr. Faust's coronation featured dancers of the multicultural persuasion, a thrilling display.

Miss Talmadge's betrothed would make an excellent professor of fire and knife dancing and attract other artists of his ilk to dreary old Cambridge.

Meanwhile, the Fan Club has named Miss Talmadge its Artist-in-Residence. Miss Talmadge is known for her reclining nudes and recently developed a passion for double-barrelled cannons (the only example of which is on display in Athens) as well as for a certain flame-dancer.

Move the Fogg to Allston

Like the other game-changing President, Drew Gilpin Faust faces painful choices foisted on her by the bad decisions of her predecessors. Yet Drew won't allow us to say a single bad word about Larry--she's such a lady!

I'd like to see Larry out there on Western Avenue now, where it's 34 degrees in the sun, picking up the trash and extracting plastic bags tangled in the chain-link fences.

Right now those of us left holding the bag have figured out how to make lemonade: Take all the Fogg art now hiding is some basement somewhere and exhibit it in the car dealership show rooms!

Voila no more toxic asset!

We must tell Drewdie, if we can find out where she'd hiding.

Higher finance

Dr. Faust was indisposed recently. To cheer her up we sent her this nightgown. Having the flu is no excuse not to look pretty!

But what really cheered her up was winning $50,000 from the New York Historical Society for This Republic of Suffering. Good to know someone can get through that thing without falling into the slough of despond!

But what really cheers us up is that Drewdie has thought about using her winnings to endow the Fan Club! Invested in an annuity that throws off 5% annually, her winnings will provide us with $2,500 a year! That's more than $50 a week for Champagne!

Technically an endowment should go to fund capital improvements and repairs, but since we don't have a club house (yet, hint hint), we can use it for operating expenses.

Soul searching

Drew has accused us of trivializing serious subjects, and yet she has been grateful for our ability to cut through the razzle-dazzle and focus on timeless values. Uncertainty sometimes seems our only certainty.

But what has become clear is that we are living through much more than a bump in the road. We are navigating without a map, plucking our eyebrows without a mirror. We don’t know if we are headed for a deep abyss out of which we will need to claw our way hand over fist or if we are headed for a deep dark woods where branches will whip us in the face and thorns tear at our clothes and in the distance we hear the terrifying sound, like a woman’s scream and then we realize that it’s something worse—a bobcat—and it’s coming closer. It is starving. We are its prey. We have no choice but to run as fast as we can, tearing off garments to leave in our wake, to slow the beast. We throw off clothes until we are running naked, freezing and sweating. Will we reach shelter in time? Will we get arrested for indecent exposure? What if it really is a screaming woman and not a bobcat?

Discovering as much as we can about the nature of our situation is critical; it lies at the heart of what we do. Doing so will mean taking some difficult steps. At a time of new constraint, it will involve discipline and sacrifice. It will entail hard choices about what matters most.

This challenge can seem particularly daunting after a period of extended growth and expansive opportunities. But we live in the moment that history has presented to us, and I am confident we will rise to this occasion even though we have never done this before.

It is our collective obligation to face the situation with the right balance of short-term focus and long-term ambition, for ourselves and for dear Dr. Faust, whose disposition will be shaped by our choices.

Wherever we work or eat, whatever the demands of our present moment, we share enduring ideals. We are committed to attracting the most able and creative community of fans in the world, and pursuing new knowledge and ideas with all the imagination and rigor we can summon. We are committed to opening our doors to products of the highest caliber as long as we can obtain them for a reasonable mark-up. We are committed, as part of a nation and a world vexed with complex problems, to seeking new understandings and solutions informed by serious consumption of Champagne. And we are committed to upholding the values of free inquiry and expression, of excellence and innovation across the domains of fashion, food, and gardening that shape our fan club.

Leading the way at Fashion Week

Secretary Geithner wants to stress-test the banks. Meanwhile, I'm stress-testing my Spanx. Have you any idea what happens to a Southern lady who becomes ice-bound and does not watch what she eats? I should get Geithner to ring-fence my pantry.

Drew is also being stress-tested, but Fashion Week has provided much-needed diversion, as well as validating her fashion sense. It turns out our game-changing Dr. Faust is a leader in the area of fashion as well as in so many other areas!

As suits suits suits pranced down the runway all the faces in the tent turned toward Drew. Or would have. Had she been at Fashion Week. Which she could have been. But probably wasn’t. But obviously the beautiful people and the fashion designers are all Drew Gilpin Faust fans!

So brilliant she is! She can update her wardrobe merely by belting her jackets! Perfect for these times of austerity. I'm sure she has lots of belts. If not I can lend her mine. None of mine fit anymore. Did I mention she is brilliant? I can't wait to see this look on her.